the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
