I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
