I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
