I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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