Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
