Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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