You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
