Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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