That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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