I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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