she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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