I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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