everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
