I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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