you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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