I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize