Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
