My hand turned me down
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
