ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
