2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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