I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
