could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's get the cat blown out
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
