my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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