omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize