Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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