and you said cock pushups were impossible
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I need a beard to bite.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
