Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
