if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
