It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If I die, sorry about rent.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
