dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
