We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
