Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
