Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
