Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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