The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
