how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
