pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
