I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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