I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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