I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize