he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You brought string cheese to the strip club
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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