I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
