I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
