Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
