Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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