quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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