I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
