ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize