The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
