I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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