lets start a swedish sibling band together
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
