It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He? As in you personified your dick?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
