Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize