A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
