Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
