I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
