Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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