Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
