Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
