mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
