3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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